So it has taken me a few days to figure out how much of this journey that I wanted to share. I think I am reluctant because there is actually a bit of shame in this experience, at least for me. But here goes…

I have been happy with my body. It has carried me through some unimaginable times in my life. My body has given three incredible humans to the world! My body has kept me safe, and it has kept me warm. No matter what I have put my body through – it has protected me, and for more than 40 years, I have taken this body for granted. I have always just assumed that it would always just go along with whatever my brain talked it in to. 

Well, my body started talking back. Specifically, my heart. My heart has been trying to tell me that it was in need of attention. My heart has been sending signals that I have blown off, made excuses for or for lack of better words, have told my heart to “suck it up”. (IYKYK). It appears that my heart could only take so much neglect. My body could only take so much neglect as well. My heart has actually begun to fail. No, really, I have ignored it so much that now my heart is ready to call it quits on our relationship. It doesn’t have any blockages, the doctors didn’t find a cocktail or a cheeseburger in there. What they did discover is that I have “broken” my heart by not paying attention to it’s needs and warning signs. 

On Wed Sept 28th, I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy and a severe mitro-valve leak, which subsequently was causing my lungs to fill with the fluid that my heart couldn’t pump effectively. I underwent a heart catheterization on Thursday to confirm the diagnosis and was finally released on Saturday October 1st to come home and rest, recoup and regroup. 

So where is the ‘shame’ in all that you might ask? Well here it is. I knew something wasn’t right and didn’t pay attention, I knew gaining 10 lbs in 4 weeks was NOT ok. I knew that struggling to walk from my car to my office and being short of breath was not normal, and not ok. I knew I shouldn’t be struggling to walk upstairs….. but yet…. I kept going about my routine until my regular Dr’s visit was scheduled. I am so much smarter than that – I didn’t listen to my body, and that is where the ‘shame’ comes in for me. I knew better, and in an effort to keep going and not allow an interruption to slow my work and my life, I ignored the signs and for that I am ashamed of myself. 

So now I am on a journey of recovery, repair and education. Now I am on a mission to go from an EF rate of 20% to 60% (minimum). Now I am going to make certain I listen to my body, pay more attention to what I put in it, be purposeful in what I push my body to do and stay dedicated to that purpose. Now, I will also be on a mission to spread more messages about less stress and more self-care. Now I will spend more time thanking God for allowing me to have more time – because this truly feels like I have been given an extention. 

I am incredibly grateful for the attentive and caring nurses that God truly put in my life during a terrifying time. I have been blessed with some amazing doctors that the Great Physician has put in place to care for me. And most importantly, I am overwhelmed by the blessing of my husband. He never wavered, he was the most unbelievable patient advocate for me, and he only left my side to sleep (at my insistance) . I am in awe at his dedication and commitment to me and our family. He is truly the physical embodiment of the word ‘love’. I have always been under the impression that maybe I loved a bit more outloud than he did, but now I know that is not the case. He shows up big and loud when needed, he stays and is dedicated to my health and happiness like no one else I have ever met. He has held my hand and bargained with God in the fleeting moments of my life. I have truly been gifted an unimaginable blessing in him. 

So where do I start now? Well the beginning is to learn to rest. Which if you know me, you know I don’t always do well. I will spend the next two weeks working on some down time and allowing my body to get familiar with the pile of medication that I have had to take on. I have also began a ‘low salt’ diet (boring) because, as my medical care team has shared – where salt goes, so does water. I am limited in my liquid intake while we work to heal my heart (so no bottles of good wine – for now 😉 ) I am praying that I can be released to begin a heart healthy exercise routine , primarily walking and riding my Peloton, in a couple of weeks. If you know me, you know I am typically allergic to exercise. However, I will now view exercise as a purposeful effort by my body, and as a gift and a privilege. 

So come along on the journey with me , through follow up appts and attempts at exercise, and what I am sure will be plenty of comical moments. This ‘oversharing’ will help keep me accountable and also help me to share more awareness about women’s heart health and the need for us to listen to our bodies more! ❤️