I have a confession, or more like an admission. I know you’re probably thinking, do I really want to know this? Lol well – maybe not, but remember this is me ‘oversharing’ So, to bad – youre going to get more than you bargained for.

Here goes, I talk to God in the shower. There you have it! I figured while getting my body clean, I also need to cleanse my soul as well. We talk about everything in the shower (and no, I won’t share ALL of that) But the Big Guy and I have been doing alot of chatting in the shower this past week – or it really would be more described as me asking alot of questions and trying my best to do some listening and understanding. I have found myself asking things like “what should I do next”, “what is going to happen to me”, or the more important “how is my family going to handle this”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not expecting direct and precise answers, but I would love better insight in to the future of this whole heart failure business. As mentioned, we’ve spent alot of time talking things through. As part of this confession, I must share with you all that I have asked God – on numerous occasions mind you – “why did this happen to me”, and “why did you do this to me” . I know neither of those questions are productive and neither of them are really on par with my relationship with God. However, I have asked, and it would be disingenuous for me to leave that out.

This evening however, while standing in the tranquility of hot streaming water washing away the day – those questions were the only ones I got an answer to. It really came out of no where. As I stood there in tears, it suddenly occurred to me what God’s message was. He said “I didn’t do this to you, I did this for you” and very clearly was this message, “this forced period of rest, rejuvenation and focus, didn’t happen to you, it happened for you”. Wow! You could’ve knocked me over with a feather! It’s true what you have heard, those “messages” show up at just the right time.

I had a follow up appointment on Friday afternoon with my cardiologist, and to say I left there discouraged is an understatement! Truthfully, I went in a bit to optimistic. You see, I strutted myself in there and immediately said, “I am ready to go back to work and a normal schedule”. I expected her to reply with cautious but optimistic agreement. That is not what happened. I recieved a hard, “NO”! She didn’t even flinch when she said it. She followed up with words I didn’t completely hear due to the shock of things not going my way – I mean come on, I know I’m not a doctor but…. She said something about taking time, not having such low blood pressure and that she wasn’t willing to take that risk, it’s only been a week since your heart procedure (did you know that is technically considered heart surgery, who knew) blah blah blah – the ringing in my ears blocked out alot. But she definitely was NOT budging! Her suggestion was that we could discuss it again in a few weeks when I return for my next appointment .

So back to the shower confession, as discouraged as I have been in the last couple of days, I am stunned by His message. This is actually “for” me! Being forced to slow down and take a break for a moment is truly a blessing, it’s just taken me a bit to see that.
I am spending time reading, watching movies, finding low sodium meals we will enjoy. I sleep at random. My lower blood pressure and the poor efficiency of my heart has caused me to be exhausted just by getting dressed. When speaking with my doctor, she was not surprised to hear that. She suggested sleeping when I needed to and don’t worry about the clock. (One of the few things I heard her say after she had the nerve to tell me no 😉 )
There was a couple of small up sides to my doctor’s visit. She did say I could start walking a bit, she suggested I start walking around the yard first- yep that limited! She also gave me hope and shared with me her optimistic view of my recovery. She said this feeling of fatigue won’t last forever, but I need to keep my expectations realistic. (I guess a week isn’t realistic)

I’m learning alot, and I will keep sharing the journey. Thank you all for reading along and for your tremendous support (I’m shocked anyone is interested lol) If you take only one thing away from this post this week, it should be this; remember that taking care of yourself is truly not a punishment, it is the gift you can give yourself. Without taking care of ourselves, we can not give that gift of care to others.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 2Corinthians 4:16